Saying Goodbye
by Blackbirdox
Summary: Todd and Charlie learn that the past is never easy to let go of.


**Disclaimer: As much as I would like to, I don't own Dead Poets Society.**

**A/N: I honestly have no idea where this came from. It started as a small drabble and ended up just writing itself for the most part. I hope you enjoy it and reviews are always appreciated. **

Todd hates the way he looks at her. _He_ used to get that look and there was a time when Todd was certain he was the only one who would ever get it. There's a spark in his eyes that Todd only used to see when they were together. His smile is brighter. His laughter is louder. He's happy.

And Todd wants to be happy for him. He wants to be able to look him in the eye and mean it when he says he's okay. He wants to be able to smile with him; laugh with him. He wants things to be normal again. Not that they ever were normal. Just... comfortable.

But he knows that's not possible. Todd's angry and he's hurt and he's so in love that his heart just _aches._ And Charlie doesn't care.

Charlie moved on. Charlie left him. Charlie hurt him. Charlie _broke_ him. And Charlie doesn't care. Because Charlie has her now. And they're the ones who can smile and laugh and be comfortable while Todd has to watch. And it's agonizing.

She's pretty, Todd supposes.

Her hair is dark is curly and Charlie is constantly touching it. Running his fingers through it when they kiss; whether it's soft and slow and followed by a smile or angry and rough when they're fighting and Charlie just wants her to shut up.

Her eyes are a vibrant shade of green, framed by a perfect fan of thick, dark lashes. They light up when she talks about thing's she passionate about. Books and music and Charlie. Always Charlie. They're constantly locking eyes whether they're across a room from each other or sitting side by side.

She's tiny and dainty with the body of a dancer and she resembles a tiny porcelain doll when Charlie has his arm around her shoulder, pulling her flush up against his side.

Todd can see why he would want her. Why he would love her.

They read together; gushing over Kesey and Kerouac and other beatniks Charlie aspires to be and Todd doesn't recognize. They listen to music together; singing along to the Beatles and Bob Dylan. She'll speak in French to him and he'll grin; making an attempt to repeat her sentence back to her until she laughs and kisses him, playfully telling him to shut up.

Her personality is just as beautiful as her features- if not more beautiful. She's warm and outgoing and she laughs a lot. Her wit is sharp and biting and she makes everyone around her laugh as well. Under a friendly exterior, she harbors a fierce temper that's maybe only second to Charlie's own and she can stand up to him. Put him in his place when he steps over the line.

Todd can't do that.

He's timid and Charlie walks-_walked_- all over him and he never said a word about it.

He blames himself for loosing him. He could have spoken up. He could've fought. He could have kicked and screamed until Hell froze over to keep Charlie in his life and he didn't.

He drifted. He never spoke up. Never said a word. Not "I love you" or "I want you" or the truest of all, "I _need_ you." He let Charlie walk out the door without even a passing glance. He has no one to blame but himself.

And he hates himself for it.

He never was happy. He never took the time to appreciate that he was lucky. He didn't have what he thought he wanted so he thought he'd settled for the next best thing. And he hadn't.

Charlie didn't just replace _him_. He completely obliterated _his_ spot in Todd's heart and took the whole damn thing for himself. Because loving Neil was never as good as loving Charlie. Neil didn't bring out the best in him like Charlie did. Neil could have never loved him the way Charlie did- _had_. Neil shattered his world- both his and Charlie's- and they picked up the pieces for each other. They loved Neil and they loved one another and that was the thing that drove them together. Kept them together. Drove them apart.

He had loved them both and now he couldn't have either one of them.

Todd grips his glass of champagne- easily his fourth or fifth of the night; he's lost track-tightly in his hand when she smiles at him from across the room, waving him over. Sometimes, he wishes she wasn't so friendly. It would be easier to hate her that way.

He scowls down at the floor as he crosses the room. Todd's enveloped in her tight embrace almost immediately and he can feel the cool metal of the rings that lay nestled on the fourth finger of her left hand brush against his skin as she throws her arms around his neck; leaving a lingering burn behind. He knows he's imagining the burn, of course. It's a hypothetical one. One that seems to remind him, "she-got-what-you-want-and-now-you'll-never-get-him-back."

The ivory fabric of her dress crinkles loudly beneath his hands as he hugs her. Charlie's arm is wound tightly around her waist and when Todd pulls away from her embrace, their hands brush, sending a jolt through him. Charlie seems to feel it too because he immediately recoils, dropping his arm and after a moment of floundering, shoves his hands deep into his pockets.

She doesn't seem to notice any of this. Her eyes are sparkling, lit up with genuine joy as she gushes about how happy she is to see Todd and then, as she focuses her attention back to Charlie, how happy she is in general.

Neither one of them is paying attention. Charlie is staring with unfocused eyes at a spot on the wall behind Todd's head as he nervously toys with his wedding ring, not yet accustomed to its presence and Todd is staring at Charlie. As she continues to talk, making up for their uncomfortable silence with mindless chatter, Charlie lowers his gaze and locks eyes with Todd.

The fire is back. The look is back. Todd's look.

His heart begins to pound.

Charlie interrupts her mid-sentence, placing an apologetic hand on her shoulder. He asks to speak to Todd alone and as her eyes dart back and forth between the two of them uncertainly, the spark in them dulls a little. She simply nods and presses a kiss to his cheek, shooting a pointed look in Todd's direction.

He knows she knows.

Charlie doesn't even notice. He's grabbed Todd by his forearm and is practically dragging him outside.

Todd doesn't protest as he's dragged out into the winter night and he certainly doesn't protest when Charlie shoves him back against the brick exterior of the building and kisses him. Hard.

He smacks his head back against the bricks from the force and tiny spots dance in front of his vision for a minute fraction of a second before he realizes Charlie's kissing him. Nothing else in the world seems to matter after that. He ignores the pain in his head and in his heart and tangles his fingers into Charlie's hair to pull him closer.

Charlie's hands are everywhere all at once, slipping under his shirt and up his thigh, knowing he'll never be able to touch him like this again. He doesn't want to forget anything about Todd. Not the feeling of his lips, moving feverishly against his own. Not the way his skin feels beneath his fingers, shuddering underneath his touch. Not the noises that fall past his lips, all moans and quiet gasps that blend together into the most perfect melody when Charlie touches him in the right place.

No, he doesn't want to forget. He doesn't want to give this up. Not Todd; not any of it.

His wedding band suddenly feels like a half-ton weight, sitting heavily on his finger. He pulls his lips away and runs the back of his hand over his mouth. His eyes narrow as he pants for breath and he grabs Todd by the shoulders, pushing him back against the wall. He wants him to feel what he feels. Hurt like he hurts.

"Why the hell did you come?" he spits, shaking him almost violently. "Why?"

Todd goes limp, allowing Charlie to take out his frustration on him. Anger is good. Hate is good. They're good feelings, as far as he's concerned. They're close to passion; close to love. "You asked me to," he answers quietly.

Charlie's grits his teeth and he stares at him for a moment before drawing his fist back, punching Todd square in the face. "You son of a bitch," he breaths. He grabs Todd by the biceps and shakes him again.

Todd's nose is bleeding. He's fairly certain his lip is cracked and he'll have one hell of a shiner by the time he wakes up tomorrow but it doesn't really matter. Doesn't bother him. "You asked me to," he repeats again, a little firmer this time. "You wanted me here, Charlie."

"No. No, no, no. I don't want you. I don't," he insists vehemently.

Despite the violence and despite the anger rolling off of Charlie in waves, Todd's not afraid. He places a hand on the side of his face and gently strokes his cheek with his thumb. "I know."

The simple gesture causes Charlie's composure to crack. He utters a choked sob and then he's crying, clinging to Todd tightly and burying his face in the crook of his neck. Todd just holds him, rocking him back and forth like a child. He lifts his chin up and kisses him everywhere. His eyelids, the tip of his nose, his forehead, both his cheeks and then finally his lips, pulling him into a soft and steady kiss.

Charlie doesn't let it last long. He breaks away and holds Todd's face in-between his hands. "I love you. Do you hear me? I _love _you." He's crying again and it's turning into frame-wracking sobbing.

Todd just pulls him closer and presses a kiss to the side of his head. "Damn it, Charlie," he sighs. "Damn you."

He breathes a muffled laugh against Todd's skin. "I love you," he says again. "I've always loved you. I'm always going to love you. Always, always, always." Charlie repeats it until he's gasping for air.

Todd releases him and takes both of his hands in his. "I know. Don't you think I know that?" He runs his finger along Charlie's ring, eliciting a whimper in response. "I love you too." The tears welling up in his own eyes begin to stream down his cheeks. "I love you. Damn it, Charlie. I love you!" He drops his hands and shoves him backwards. "A-And I don't get you. I can't have you."

Charlie winds his arms around his waist despite his protests and rests his chin on the top of his head. "Shhh."

"N-No!" Todd pounds on his chest with his fists until Charlie lets him go and he slaps him hard across the face. "I-I can't h-have you!"

Charlie rubs the burgeoning red mark on his cheek and breathes out a shaky sigh. "I'm sorry," he whispers genuinely.

Todd's not having any of it. "Y-You left me. And.... a-and you promised you wouldn't." He slides down the wall until he lands on the ground with a soft thud, his legs splayed out in front of him. He looks up at Charlie with child-like eyes, wide and shimmering with tears. "You promised."

Charlie kneels down beside him and pulls Todd back into his arms and they both cry. For each other. For Neil. For what they used to have. For what they'll never be able to have.

Todd's teeth are chattering and he's shivering from the cold by the time he wiggles out of Charlie's grasp. He wipes the tears off Charlie's cheeks before doing the same for himself, wincing slightly when his fingers brush the blossoming bruise beneath his eye. "N-Nice right hook, Dalton."

Charlie manages a weak laugh and shrugs his shoulders. "I've just had lots of practice punching out finks." He slowly gets to his feet and pulls Todd up, leaning in for one last kiss.

Its feather light and Todd barely feels it but it causes his heart to skip a beat anyway. He licks his lips when he pulls back and underneath the metallic tang of blood from his split lip, he can taste Charlie and that causes him to smile. The first honest, genuine smile that's been on his face in a long time. "Yeah. I guess you have."

Charlie glances over at the door and back and Todd and back over at the door. He frowns. "I-I have to go."

Todd simply nods. "I know."

"Are you coming back inside?" he asks hopefully.

Todd debates it for a moment before shaking his head. He wants to. He just can't. "I-It probably would be better if I didn't."

Charlie flounders for a moment, trying to decide on the best parting gesture. He places his hand on Todd's shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. "I'll see you soon, yeah?"

Todd forces a smile and nods. "Yeah." And he knows they both know that won't happen. Todd's going to walk away and that'll be it. And he's certain it's better that way. Charlie's married; he has a whole other life and Todd has no place in it. But they pretend anyway because it hurts less that way just like it hurts less to pretend they don't want each other more than anything else.

So Todd claps him on the back as Charlie walks back inside and he ignores the feeling of having his heart shattered, torn apart, stepped on and mangled as it pounds painfully slow behind his ribcage. Todd retreats, head down, tears in his eyes and hands jammed in his pockets.

Charlie turns to watch him walk away and a wave of remorse crashes over him. He wants nothing more than to run after him and scoop Todd up in his arms and never let him go but he can't. He's bound to someone else even though his entire heart will always belong to Todd. He closes his eyes and takes a steadying breath before stepping back into the reception hall.

Charlie crosses the dance floor, screwing on the closest thing to a smile that he can muster. He finds his wife in the corner with her friends and wraps his arms around her waist from behind, placing his chin on his shoulder. "Sorry babe," he says, pressing a kiss to the side of her neck.

She turns around in his arms and wraps her own around his neck. She's smiling as well but he figures it's just about as fake as his own. "It's fine." She leans up on her toes to nuzzle her nose against his. "What was that all about anyway?"

Charlie simply shrugs. "Just saying goodbye."


End file.
